My Son Wasn't Invited to the Party. I Found This Site at 2am.

I found out about the birthday party the same way I find out about most things I wish I didn't know — Facebook.

Every kid from my son Noah's class. Balloons. Cake. Silly string. Every single one of them except him.

He's nine. He's autistic. He probably wouldn't have wanted to go — loud rooms are hard for him. But that's not the point. The point is nobody thought to ask. He's already become the kid people don't think to include. And I don't know how to protect him from a world that is going to keep doing this to him.

I didn't tell anyone how I felt about it. I made his lunch the next morning and I got on with it.

I found this site at 2am about three weeks later. I don't even remember what I searched. Something like "why does loving your kid hurt so much" probably. I read the description of one of the guides and I started crying before I even bought it. Because it described exactly what I feel — the grief that isn't grief for him, it's grief for the things I can't fix. The fear that lives in the back of every thought: who will be there for him when I'm not?

I'm not okay all the time. I'm not sure I'm supposed to be. But I feel less crazy for feeling it. And that matters more than I can explain.

If you're a mum sitting up at 2am with something heavy on your chest that you can't put into words — you're not alone. I promise.

→ Read the guide that found me: The Party He Wasn't Invited To